Saturday, July 6, 2013

My Biggest Struggle at the End of Disability is the Ego Crushing Experience of the Comeback

Easily my biggest struggle after Disability is with my weight.  I gained fifty pounds.

Most people lose weight.  My theory on that is, they've never exercised before and all the sudden they're going to Physical Therapy three times a week.  But in my case, I am a lifetime athlete, so Physical Therapy doesn't even represent a small fraction of my normal level of physical activity.

It's also a struggle to be as motivated to go Cycling as I was before I was hit.  For starters, I was in amazing physical condition, and now I'm fat and weak, so it's actually harder for me to do a basic ride in less than ideal conditions now--in great part because I'm dragging another fifty pounds.  But it's also a struggle in terms of routine and habits.

After a year or two of not doing what I normally do, I found that I have to reform those essential habits, including everything from getting my bike ready, to getting dressed, and what I do while I'm actually riding.

It's also somewhat embarrassing.  I can't ride with my old riding buddies yet because I can't keep up, whereas before that was their problem--they couldn't keep up with me and I would have to slow down or wait.  I even tried riding with the slowest possible riders, and while I'm at the point where riding with them isn't a problem, I want to ride as I normally do.

Normal for me is about 4,000 kilometers a year, six or more bike tours a season, at least three of them 100 miles or more (aka a Century).  Right now, for 2013, I have only about 500 kilometers under my tires and most of that is recent.

Last year I did my first tour back on the bike, and challenged a metric century (100 kilometers).  It was brutal.  I was like a beginner out there.  I started out strong, then a flat tire; fixed it, caught up to the stragglers; then another flat.  And there were climbs of 9% and and 12% grade on this tour too.

After that second flat tire, there was no one else in sight.  I was determined to finish the ride no matter what, but I was prepared for the very reasonable possibility of bowing out for the first time ever.  Then, furious at my failure to even keep up with the slowest riders on the tour, I looked down and saw that I had only ten kilometers to go.  This meant that I was going to finish the ride.  At this point I started to cry like a baby.

I'll never forget that moment.  As embarrassed as I was, suffering, in pain, exhausted, it was enough for me just to finish.

I don't mean this to be inspiring.  What I mean by writing this is, you are going to have to face your ego, and overcome your lesser-self, if you really want to regain your full abilities again.  Yes, it helps when people know what I've been through and am going through, and tell me how amazing and encouraging that is to them, but even without that you have to be able to rise above your own limitations.

My determinations for cycling are as follows:
- Ride two 100 mile rides in 2013
- Ride over 3500 kilometers in 2014

I figure if I ride at least 300 kilometers a month through the end of this year and throughout next year, I will have really made my comeback.

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